Mr. Muthafuckin’ eXquire doesn’t drive a car. He has lived in the same spot in the Crown Heights section of Brooklyn his entire life. Living in New York City doesn’t necessitate owning a car, so eXquire joins the nearly five million daily riders on the world-famous New York City transit system. We talked subway murders and strange behaviors with the Brooklyn rapper and asked him to give us a few pointers for riding trains in NYC.

Do you know how to drive?

No.

Have you ever been behind the wheel of a car?

Yes.

How did that go?

I drove.

Okay, what kind of car was it?

I’ve driven my mother’s car and my ex-girlfriend’s car, my father’s car. Just a few blocks, from my house to their house.

You know how to drive, but would just rather not?

Yeah, I just don’t have a license. But I can maneuver a vehicle, yes.

So how do you typically get around?

The train or the bus.

What train lines run through your neighborhood?

The A, the C, the 3, the 4. That’s it. It’s an 11-minute walk away, exactly.

An 11-minute walk to the subway?

Yeah, 11 minutes exactly. I’ve timed it. Want me to tell you how I learned to time it? Every time, when I was younger and I’d call chicks over here, I used to be so fiending for them to get here, I just started noticing it would take exactly 11 minutes for them to get over here. Then when I got older and had to get to work and would be running late, I’d know exactly how long it would take me.

How often do you use the trains now?

Every day. Well, not every day, but if I go out five times in the week, I use the train maybe two and a half times. I get a weekly MetroCard.

When was the first time you used the subway?

Well, I can’t remember exactly, but it was probably with my mother or something. I started riding the trains by myself when I was about 14. My school is right around the block, but we used to cut school and ride the trains.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen happen on a train?

I see a bunch of crazy shit on the train, son. One time, though, this one dude gets on the train, quiet, with this big-ass picture of a little girl, said it was his daughter. He said she got kidnapped, they threw her out a window and murdered her, and he was trying to raise money to pay for her funeral. Everybody was like, “ah, man that’s fucked up.” He’s crying, “I just need help, I just need help.” So, I’m like, damn, that’s fucked up, gave him some change. A few months later, I get on the train and see this dude crying talking about his daughter. I’m like man, what the fuck?!

Another time this homeless dude, white guy, he gets on the train and his arm was broken. Like, the bone of his arm, you could see the white of his bone, blood oozing off his arm, and he’s just dirty and disheveled and shit. Guess what’s the first thing he says out his mouth when he gets on the train? “I have AIDS.”

One time, I’m on the train, right, and this chick comes on the train, singing opera. So, there’s this dude just sitting there reading. Some white guy, sitting on the train reading a novel or some shit and she’s just singing. Now, she’s singing and the guy looks up at her and starts singing with her. I’m just looking, thinking, this cannot be real. They really did like, a whole duet, holding each other and everything and then just went and sat back down.

What are the best and worst things about riding the subway?

The worst part is the fucking never sitting down. The best part is just seeing so much shit.

What’s the craziest thing you ever did on the train?

Ah, man, nothing crazy. I ain’t one of those delinquent, dirty niggas. I don’t be doing no wild shit like that.  I’m just trying to get where I’m going.

Got any tips for riding on the train?

Don’t buy no swipes from no crackhead. Niggas will pop up behind that secret door and lock your ass up. Don’t eat on the train, unless you’re with somebody. Don’t eat when you’re by yourself. You look crazy eating by yourself on the train. And it’s gotta be, like, fries or something, nothing big. You can’t get on the bus with halal. Wait till you get home. I’ll eat on the platform, but I put my food away on the train. Don’t take the seat by the door. Don’t fall asleep on the train. You know why I don’t fall asleep on the train? I read the book, All Gods Children, ‘bout this nigga Willie Bosket. Willie Bosket was the nigga Raekwon rapped about on Rich and Black with him and Nas. That was the nigga used to murder everybody on the train in the ’80s and shit. I read the book about him when I was younger, and ever since then I was scared to go to sleep on the train. Also, don’t jump the turnstile.